i carry your heart

We were excited to be leaving for vacation Friday morning; four days in Vegas with good friends and an additional four days in Disney Land just the three of us.  Our first family vacation to Disney: my husband, myself and our growing baby bump.  We were thrilled to be traveling with our friends to a place my husband and I had never been, such an exciting place to visit!  Shows were picked, dinner reservations were made, massages booked; we were anticipating a trip to remember.

We also had big plans for our trip to Disney and incorporating it with how we would be telling our families.  We had already shared the exciting news with our parents and siblings on Christmas, so much love and joy was shared on that wonderful day.  Our second trimester would begin on February 1st and we were planning on a Valentine’s Day themed announcement.  You know the type, a picture of hubby and I with a cute (and incredibly sappy) line or two about our little bundle of joy arriving August 3rd.  We only had one small thing to check off our list of things to do before we got to join our friends at the airport, a routine prenatal appointment.

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Thursday morning I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of dread, something simply didn’t feel right but I could not put my finger on it.  Maybe it was pre-travel jitters, maybe it was morning sickness hitting again, or maybe it was something more.  I nervously rode to the appointment with my husband trying to reassure me that things were ok.  We had two early ultra sounds and got to see our little one at 6.5 weeks and again at 7.5 weeks.  The baby was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and seeing the tiny heart beating so quickly was such an amazing experience to share with my husband.  With each heart flutter our love for our baby grew.  There was no doubting it – in that instant our lives were no longer our own.  We had changed, we had grown in that instant, we had become parents.

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Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes to count.  A couple names picked out.  Two fat little cheeks to kiss.  Two different opinions on finding out the gender.  One already convinced that it was a little girl.   Six more months until we get to met our little one.  One nursery to decorate.  Countless visions of our future.  Endless hopes and dreams for our baby.
One doctor appointment.   No heartbeat.  Two lives forever changed.

There is no preparing yourself for that moment.  The quietness as our ultrasound tech whispered “I’m sorry”.  Other words may have been spoken, but none that I heard.  With those two little words a part of me went missing.  My baby was gone and there was nothing I could do to change the reality of the situation.

The following morning I checked into the hospital and waited for my doctor to come and lead me into the procedure which would forever separate me from my baby.  I tried to be strong, I tried not to let the emotions of what was happening get to me.  I tried, but I failed.  Countless tears fell that day, and many days since.

My baby never knew sadness, never knew pain or hunger, she never knew how cruel the world can be.  She also will never know the feeling of an ocean breeze, the excitement of realizing her dreams, the embrace of those who love her, or the crisp smell of autumn.  She will never know what it is like to make friends, to travel, to stumble but get back up again.  There are so many things I wish I had the opportunity to introduce her to, so many things I wish I could have shard with her.  Instead, I am left with questions and a memory.   I will forever carry her in my heart, living my life in an effort to a person she would have been proud to call Mom.

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i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

– E. E. Cummings