At this very moment I am sitting in my bed, wrapped up in a Minnie Mouse blanket and I’m angry (which is hard to do while wrapped in this particular blanket!). There’s no other way to describe it. I’m simply angry, and not in a your anger is a mask hiding inner fear kind of way.
I have had painful, lingering, unexplained cramps since my miscarriage almost 5 weeks ago. Awful meaning like in the throws of your period, just wanting to curl up in bed with a heat pad and a good book. (Sorry guys, I’m not in the mood to try to find an equal comparison to hep you understand.)
Anyways, today I started spotting heavily and thought “Thank God my body is finally returning to normal!”. Then I thought “Oh no! We leave for vacation on Saturday, what do I do about my Cycle Day 3 test?!” This I thought “Who cares if I’ll be dealing with this all vacation- my body has finally returned to normal!”.
Then I got a phone call from the fertility clinic with my weekly hCG level update. I’m currently at a 12.6, which means I’m not yet at zero, which means my body isn’t returning to normal, which means I still can’t do any further testing, which means I’m still stuck in the VERY SAME PLACE. Ugh.
The nurse called it breakthrough bleeding. Based on some quick research, this is basically bleeding that happens at any point other than your menstrual cycle, and doesn’t have a specific known cause. After some quick reflection, I do remember this happening with my previous miscarriage as well (although this did nothing to comfort me.)
I do suppose being angry is a nice change from the emotional blob I have been the last few weeks, this week especially. Either way, this is annoying and I’d like it to stop.
Now I am not promoting turning to alcohol in times of stress or anger, but tonight I’m ignoring myself and enjoying a glass.
Until next time,
So for those who stumbled upon my blog in hopes of finding answers from someone who has previously gone through your current situation:
Yes, it is normal to quickly swing from overly emotional to full on angry at the situation. It is also apparently common to experience breakthrough bleeding after your miscarriage (although according to my dr’s office it is not common to have severe pain, heavy bleeding, nausea or severe dizziness along with the breakthrough bleeding so if that happens call your doctor’s office right away.)
For those who are reading because you’re curious, or you are a friend:
If we talked at any point this afternoon or this evening and I wasn’t my cheerful self, I apologize; it was the 12.6 talking.