Good news that is actually bad news 

I finally receive my results from the recurrent pregnancy loss tests today.  We were on the road heading to our IVF seminar when the call came in. I received good news, but wish I hadn’t. All my test results came back as normal, meaning I do not have a blood clotting disorder. Also meaning that I am now one step closer to being labeled as having unknown reasons for my multiple miscarriages. 

Never before have I hoped a medical test would come back as positive, but in this case I had.  It would have given a reason to my miscarriages, a reason for the last 8 months of pain.  It would have put me on a path to resolve whatever the problem was. Instead, I am left with more questions and a pit in my stomach that has been there since I hung up the phone several hours ago. 

I am having trouble describing how I am feeling right now. I have officially typed out five different sentences, all of which felt authentic as I wrote them, but then felt extremely foreign as I read them. 
I am one part angry, one part sad and two parts numb and when mixed together I am left dazed and discouraged.

I spent those two weeks awaiting on these results. Fourteen days believing that I would be given an answer as to why we lost both pregnancies.  I believed these results would give me instruction as to what to do next and how to successfully carry a pregnancy.  Fourteen days convincing myself there would be a solution, and maybe an easy one like taking a low dose aspirin every day.

I spent two weeks believing I was nearing the end of my search into what went awry. 

I was wrong.
 Expectation is the root of all heartache.  

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