A Heavy Heart

Buddha

My heart is heavy tonight. We have been waiting 7 weeks for results from our anora test through Natera for both of our miscarriages (we were originally told results in 1-2 weeks). One of the reasons we have been delaying our IVF start date was to see our results as our next step will be dependent on the them (to do the PGS/freeze or a fresh cycle).

I found out earlier this afternoon that one of the samples is lost. There’s no explanation yet, and we may not get one, but somewhere between the hospital, the infertility clinic and the lab in CA one of the two samples went missing. I’m at such a loss for words on this. I hate being filled with thoughts of “why me” when I know there are so many things happening in the world far greater than this, but I can’t help myself. I feel like every step of the way if there was an easy path and a challenging path, I have been led down the challenging path. I have faith that there is a reason things have been so trying, and a lesson I am to be learning, but during nights like this it is so difficult to remain positive. At this point, to have a new sample sent to the lab, it would be an additional 6-8 weeks before we get results (this incorporates the two week turnaround time the hospital needs to retrieve the slides and send them to my RE). My heart is heavy and I’m finding it hard to see the silver lining this time.

When one door closes,

Isn’t another suppose to open?

Sitting here I cannot help but think about one of the biggest decisions I have ever made.  I chose to sacrifice a dream for the family I do not have yet.

Yes, there have been other monumental decisions in my life, like what to name my first pet, what college to attend, saying ‘yes’ to my then boyfriend, and picking out the perfect house to buy.   Looking back, none of these have been as difficult as the decision I have wrestled with the last 48 hours.

I have been searching for meaning in my life for quite some time.  Who am I, what do I offer to the people in my life, what do I offer that makes my husband proud to be married to me.  Maybe this stems from my recent birthday, but I think it runs deeper than that.  I have felt that my life has been on pause and I just don’t know how to kick-start it again.  First we had the wedding to plan, and I went head first putting 100% of my energy into that, then almost immediately after returning from our honeymoon we closed on our first house.  The energy and time I had spent on the wedding smoothly transferred into the house and renovations.  As many construction projects go, things went a bit astray and after several months we are finally moved in.  Besides cooking and cleaning, I no longer have a project to throw myself into.

I did not graduate college.  I do not have a career.  I do not even know what I want to do when I ‘grow up’, and I’m already 30.   My husband often asks me what I am passionate about, a question that often leads me to tearfully reply “I don’t know”.

Recently an opportunity presented itself that has me buzzing with excitement.  I could not even put into words the joy I felt as I sat at my computer researching, list making, and brainstorming.  The possibilities were endless.  I even started looking a schools which would support my dream, driving for tours at various schools in my state and neighboring ones.  I was filled with a new sense of purpose, I felt alive for the first time in months.  I also felt burdened with a sense of guilt,  the hours each day I spent planning I was only thinking about my future, only my future is no longer my own.  In May, I vowed to share my future with my husband, and with that vow I had to listen his opinion and consider how this would affect both of us.

I have never met a more supportive man.  Yes, there were occasional blips over the last week or so that I accused him of being overly negative and unsupportive, but over-all I genuinely know that my husband is an amazing man who was willing to put his own fears and reservations aside for my happiness.  Even so, his words rang loudly as he finally opened up about his feelings.

We want a family.  We do not know when, but we know that it is in our future.  We also know that the plan has always been that when kids came along I would stay at home to raise them.  This opportunity would take me down a different path, a path of long days, dinners away from my family, weekends divided between work and home.  It was a path I believed I could travel without either work or home suffering.  I was being selfish.

I made a decision this morning with a heavy heart, and I am still hoping it was the right one for me, even if it was the right one for my family.  As a woman, I know that many sacrifices will be made for my children and my husband, I just wasn’t ready to already be making sacrifices for such an intangible plan of “someday”.

This morning I shut the door on the dream of being a business owner.  They say when one door closes another one opens, so I wait.